When I was a girl
my classmates had
this sing-song saying
(with hand motions
and everything!)
Chinese!
(grubby fingers yank
up the corners of eyes)
Japanese!
(yank down)
American!
(one up one down)
(Laugh--it's funny!)
Across seas
when my father was a boy
his classmates had
a saying too
El Chino mal halao con pita.
(The Chinaman's eyes
are pulled with
the cheapest string)
(Laugh--so we can see
your eyes disappear!)
I had a whitewashed
girlhood and when
I finally stepped out
the front door--
came to, as it were--
a late bloomer
I saw my color--yes--
because that is what
they all saw,
confusing as it was,
the classmates--
I thought Asians were
supposed to be smart,
the leering men on buses--
I've always thought
Asian women
were the most attractive,
the bank teller to my white mother--
Is she your foreign
exchange student?
and one summer, children,
again approaching my white mother--
Why is your daughter Black?
the barista--
Where is your accent from?
(What fucking accent?)
the sick with yellow fever lovers
the motherfuckers
the first time
I got called a chink
I wore it like a badge
crammed myself
behind a locked door
and sobbed
my privileged sobs
cradling my numbness
my nothing the word
bounced off when
it was supposed
to stick supposed to
embed
suck
bleed
me
I am a chink
am I not?
Throwing off
layer after layer
of clothing searching
for my naked self
there it is
I am anything but numb
I am not just yellow
there are shards
of other colors
in there too
pinching and pricking
I am the chink
in your armor
the interruption
the fucking up
of you plans
I am the tear
in the fabric
because that, Friends,
is what it is
to be mixed--
the ripping of
something that was whole
in a previous life
we were a family
in a previous life
nothing could separate
us someone somewhere
had a dream
that sons and daughters
brothers and sisters
would return to one
another and everyone
would be on speaking
terms and my white
mom was signing
her letters "te amo"
and relatives
were calling me "Jillita"
Husband and Wife were
in love walking
on the beach
hand in hand
and we were all
defying what they said:
That we were never
meant to survive.